Imagine this: a preacher without words !! At times, that is me, and it is a good thing. Here is a little of how I got to know God. Here is why I expect so much more.
For years, the idea of “God” worked for me. He supplied my needs and answered my questions.
And then came the divorce and my world fell apart.
Out loud, I asked, “Was she to blame? Or was it me?” but in secret, I wondered , “Did God fail me? “
I know it sounds a little crazy to ask such a question, especially if you claim the name of Christ . Certainly I am not blaming God. But, in the face of personal disasters,
such questions often come to mind.
I am now years removed from the divorce. And, when disaster strikes, I still do not have all the answers.
Two considerations come to mind that have more meaning to me, now, than before the divorce. In fact, their impact in my life is more of a manifest reality because of the personal and overwhelming trauma that was the end of my first marriage.
1. Christ talked about the danger of looking back as we set our hands on the plow. Retrospective self-analysis, introspection, even repentance and confession mean little if they are not combined with a certain forward look that includes this admission: “I don’t know. In fact, I do not understand, but, I must move on and trust in God for what is lacking.” Understand this: the reality of "not knowing" is sometimes indicative of an "advanced state of being."
2. Romans 8: 26-27: And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groanings that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God’s own will
As the memory of the divorce suffered less and less impact on my life, I experienced more and more freedom to see me for what I was. After more than 25 years, I have come to realize that, before the divorce, I was far from being “wholly available” to God (perhaps I should have written “holy” available). Understand that before the divorce, I was like so many. While I never claimed to have had all the answers, still, I did have all the answers to the questions I was asking. Romans 8:26-27 never “worked” for me, precisely because – until the divorce - I had never been left speechless. I had never been without words when I came to God. When words finally failed me, the Old Testament comment, “Be still and know that I am God” came to have a certain existential meaning in my life, and, in that reality, served as a requisite backdrop for the revelation found in the Romans passage, referenced above. I hated the divorce. I hated having to admit my complicity in that terrible event. Still, God works all things together for good. With the passing of time and because the trauma of the divorce destroyed the illusion that I had all the answers, that straight and narrow road we often sing about, became an eight lane highway.
After decades of trying, I am happy to announce that I have finally grown comfortable, praying in the spirit, without words.
I leave you with this: if you are "without words," you are either dead, asleep, or hearing and listening. Which is it for you ?!
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